“ If you pay attention, you’re filled with wonder, because who wouldn’t be, right? But we get so caught up in worrying, in being angry that we just, we don’t stop to marvel. And I think that if you walk through a neighborhood with a kid or a toddler, it’s just like, wait! Everything is fascinating. And I don’t want to let that go, because that’s a great gift. It grounds you.”

-Kate DiCamillo 

In April I watched daily as the garden unfolded. My mood getting lighter with every bud opening. The birds arrived, hungry and demanding - so loud in the mornings that one of my neighbors made a comment to me. I let it slide, pretending it was her amazement and not a complaint. We spent a few days spreading two pick-up loads of compost around the yard and managed to fill 12 large garden-waste bags from Home Depot throughout the month. I spent my Tuesday mornings with Percy building “dino nation”, looking for bugs, reading books, and taking walks. I made margaritas and fish tocos with the Brandon and Courtney one Sunday, and there was a date night with Jordan, just the two of us out for dinner and a concert. But for some reason I could not wander into this space. I decided I needed to go silent for a bit hoping it might help me figure out if I was just burned out or maybe truly done.

May arrived and I was still on the fence as to what to do. I spent time making new Spotify lists, listening to lots of music. I read books, and cleaned out my podcasts library. I got the vegetable garden in and filled the deck with potted herbs and flowers. I cleaned out closets and drawers, making piles to take to shelters and the Goodwill. But mostly I slowed down, trying to remember what I filled my days with before the computer and my phone ruled my life. I started to take a short rest in the afternoon to read, or listen to one of the three podcasts I had left in my library. Sometimes I just sat with the dog in the sun and watched the birds in the yard, allowing my thoughts wander. Slowly I could feel a change taking place, I could feel myself walking into new territory. Territory I thought was long gone.

Lately I wake most mornings with a bit of melancholy along with plenty of gratitude. I think a lot about how this space (this crazy blog) has changed and morphed over the years. I have gone from posting every single day to saying goodbye. Over the years I have decided to let go of the doubts and the rules and just run with it, but somehow I always end up questioning the why, instead of embraceing it for the gift it is. For you see this space, this photo journal, holds so much of me in it. It has always been a place to record the beauty within my life, but I am just now understanding that the words I write often make sense only to me, and that is the true gift. For I am not here to sell anything, or to gather lots of followers, I am here to make sense of all the deep feelings I carry within my heart. Feelings that overwhelm me with sadness and heartache for sure, but mostly with amazement and wonder, and love.

So here I am, back again, thanking you for coming along.