“Caring passionately about something isn't against nature, and it isn't against human nature. It's what we're here to do.”

Annie Dillard

I want nothing more than to be at grateful. To allow all the doubts that follow me to resolve or at least relocate themselves far out of my reach.

I long for connection, truly any type at all. To be seen, heard and valued. I am not talking here about love, for I am loved, this I don’t doubt. No, what I yearn for is for someone, or maybe something to wholeheartedly walk alongside of me.

I find the world confusing, too noisy, too rambunctious, and way too impersonal. I long for the curiosity of my youth where there was hope, possibilities, and plenty of Ideas. Along with an awareness that rose up through my own consciousness, bringing with it a place for daydreams to morph and maybe become true.

I walk through most days now on repeat. Performing the small tasks I have done for years, tasks done now without much sense of accomplishment or thought. I wake often with a need to find my place in a world that I am no longer familiar with. I feel lost. I worry, I shut down, I cry.

At some point during the day I pick up my camera and head out into my tiny world. Sometimes outside to the garden, but also inside, within the walls of our home. I roam until something catches my eye and I feel that familiar spark ignite within me. I study the scene until I have committed to memory what it is I see and feel, and only then, do I lift the viewfinder to my eye and shoot. I walk away with sense of connection to that girl of my youth, as I feel hope and calm wash over me, bringing with it a bit of peace.