the last day of the year

“In Nanaville there is always in the back of my mind the understanding that I am building a memory out of spare parts
and that, someday, that memory will be all that’s left of me.”

― Anna Quindlen, Nanaville: Adventures in Grandparenting

I spend most of the last day of 2024 with Percy. We play with legos, take a long walk, and make each other laugh. There are tender moments, when he crawls into my lap, wraps his arms around me and snuggles a bit. He plays with purpose and seems to always have a plan. I do my best to follow his lead for this is his time and who am I to question how we pass it. When it is time for me to go home he gives hugs and then steps out onto the porch, in his stocking feet, to blow me tons of kisses. I turn towards him, and catch every single one of them. I drive home with a lump in my throat as the love I have for him overwhelms me. I remind myself once again how lucky I am to spend the day just playing on the floor with this boy.

***

what did I really see this day?

“Many of us have made our world so familiar that we do not see it anymore.
”An interesting question to ask yourself at night is, What did I really see this day?”

- John O'Donohue

The rain has been relentless. Restless, I suggest we go for a ride. He suggests heading to the water to walk among the fishing boats. There is a slight drizzle, but the wind is calm and the boats, as always, are fascinating. I pause and study the gear onboard and can’t help but wonder what it all is used for. The boats are clean and tidy and enormous.

I find the frog at eye level on a vessel called the Masquerader. I am sure the boat has not been taken out in years, as it has been here every time I have come, in the same condition. But the frog is new. I am curious about it.

I have been thinking a lot about this space and the different shapes it has taken over the years. I remind myself that there is a slight possibility that this is a sign of growth, and not just random ramblings.

I challenge you to go to bed tonight and ask yourself . . .
What did I really see this day?

***

He talks to a couple of the fishermen, one going out, the other coming in.

On our way out we stop at the shop to chat with Brandon for a bit. I watch as a few customers ask questions about feathers and colors for tying flies and I think of my father. Memories flooding my brain as I remember sitting on his lap, as a child, tying my very own flies.

embracing it all

“The notion that our lives are like the eternal cycle of the seasons does not deny the struggle or the joy, the loss or the gain,
the darkness or the light, but encourages us to embrace it all-and to find in all of it opportunities for growth.”

 - Parker J. Palmer

As the world rotates, I spin, checking things off my list.
I find beauty in the forest one morning,
wrap presents come nightfall, and tell myself over and over . . .
You can do this.

without limitations

“Most birds were created to fly. Being grounded for them is a limitation within their ability to fly, not the other way around.
You, on the other hand, were created to be loved. So for you to live as if you were unloved is a limitation, not the other way around.” 

-William Paul Young

It is not the pain of living that overwhelms me,
but rather the paralyzing love that often buldozes my thoughts.
I am learning to allow that love to just be, without limitations.

***

slowing down

““We were all raised to build, build, build. Bigger is better, more is better, faster is better.
It had never occurred to us…that someone would intentionally keep something small, or deliberately do something slow.”

-Shauna Niequist

I am leaning that slowing down is hard work,
in fact it actually is impossible …
It makes me wonder what I might discover
if I could get a good handle on
all the thoughts …
swimming about in my head.

***

out of the darkness

“The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it.
It’s our fear of the dark that casts our joy into the shadows.”

-Brené Brown

I download the Calm app today thinking it can’t hurt.
I have tried everything else.

I will keep you posted.